257

by Violet

I know we’re supposedly not friends anymore. But I’m just having a bad day and I missed you. I don’t know how it ended up this way but I have these moments where I think of something you’d find funny and it kills me a little that I can’t just tell you anymore.

I know we’re supposed to strive to be independent but I took for granted the luxury of knowing I could always count on you. How did we just walk away from that? How did it all fall apart without us noticing? Why didn’t you fight harder for me? I wish I knew how to walk away with the same air of confidence, like you were so sure that everything would be okay. How could you be sure? How was I ever going to recover from you, from us? What if I never did?

We were so young and so convinced we knew the truth, too stubborn to ever admit we might both be wrong. I think about you all the time even when it’s poison, and I lose myself in thoughts of you, I let it consume me. Those memories, your casual smile, the way you shone a light on my soul when I was drowning in darkness. I loved the image of you that I’d perfected, more than she ever knew or suspected.

I wanted to tell you that I might have met the love of my life and I think you’d like him. I imagined you’d have been so proud of me. I wanted you to know that I have only the deepest affections for you, as much a lover as a friend, however disrespectful she might consider that. I trust that I have used up all her contempt regardless, so I might as well offend. You used to find that endearing, but perhaps now you’d say it’s in poor taste.

Oh how we change, how we change. Yet I still love you the same.

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