Was I born a masochist or did society make me this way?

Tag: women


I let people affect me too much. I’m terrible at being alone. I detest crowds but loneliness consumes me. I don’t pay attention during conversations but I reminisce the past. There can be such a thing as too much reflection. I am too comfortable with myself, I make others uncomfortable. I say I love you too much, I mean it too often.

I obsess about men the way Chinaski obsessed over women. I can fall in and out of love in the space of three minutes. I can fall in love with a smile, a raised eyebrow, a sly grin, the way he runs his fingers through his hair. It’s been lucky for me, in a way, how much society has liberated women. We’re still judged, viciously sometimes, but we are free to do. Free to suffer the consequences, but no longer burned at the stake. You can be anything as long as you’re willing to pay the price.

I have paid in name, in rumours, in lost friends. I have witnessed undisguised contempt and disdain, up close and personal. I have hurt myself for redemption, but I will never have it. I can laugh away jokes about rape, violence, the darker the better. But I cannot laugh away betrayal. The moment when you realise you were alone all along, they had taken you for a ride, and now it’s time to get off, you’ve reached your destination. You’ve lost all your value, not that there was much to begin with.

It’s a crude wake up call, when you think you’ve finally reached a point of self acceptance, to find one of those closest to you still looks down on you for the very essence of who you are. Everything you represent, what you love and why you love, it’s not good enough. You’re not good enough. You’ll never be good enough for them. But you know love, you have felt it. It runs through you like a river, you breathe it, you are the light. So may the bridges they burn light your way.


I am tired of weak women. What happened to us? Eyeliner winged, stilettos tapping the ground rhythmically, heads held high, and yet we’re so broken inside. How did we become a generation of professional women with critically low self esteem? Why is nothing we do ever good enough? We can be mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, and somehow if you’re single, if a man finds you undesirable, that’s the tipping point. That can cost you everything.

I’ve seen smart girls fall into the most obvious traps, losing their minds over heartless boys who never gave a second thought to their sufferings. I’ve seen her chase pills with vodka and cry in the hospital wing after getting her stomach pumped while he sat there guiltily, mumbling useless apologies. You don’t apologise for breaking a heart, it takes exceptional cruelty to expect forgiveness for such a crime.

I’ve seen her draw hearts in chalk on his doorstep, drowning out the unbearable noises in her head, warning her that he is nothing but a mistake. I saw her break a plate in half and draw colourful lines on her wrist with the porcelain edge, and a terrible smile settled on her face. She was an angel before he stole her wings.

I am tired of weak men. What happened to you? What sort of sadistic pleasure do you derive from destroying beautiful women? What is so much easier about lying than telling the truth? Why do you thrive on the ambiguity, on empty promises, on vague implications of a possible future involving two, when that is never your intention? Why give us the illusion that we mean something and then blame us for believing in magic?

I will not settle for your late night guilt, when the last quarter bottle of rum reminds you of the taste of her and you ponder the idea of calling, and you wonder if she misses you too. She does not.

I will not accept the regret that comes two years later, when you see a face that reminds you of her but the new girl is not as pretty, and you wonder if you made a mistake. Yes you did.

So take your sheepish smile and use your charm on someone more naive, a brown eyed girl with curly lashes who lies in bed and pictures the two of you happy, and hurts when you never call. You will never hurt me.

I am tired of weak people. Look alive, darling, the fight’s not over yet. Let’s go to war over nothing, the same reason as always. Tell me how much you loved her silky blonde hair and soft lips that always tasted like cherry chap-stick. Tell me how she wept on the kitchen floor clutching a bottle of gin when you told her the truth isn’t what she’d always wished for. Tell me how you’ve kept busy all these years trying to forget the way she smiled on the way out, dragging the last of her luggage and the last piece of her shattered heart. Tell me I should never love you. I promise I won’t.

An open letter to all the angry feminists,

Last week I submitted my revised “Why Feminism is Hurting Women” article to my university’s student magazine. People got very offended, especially this hipster who gets all his news from The Daily Show.

I have written a response, but the editor of the magazine is reluctant to publish it because of all the hate mail the last article garnered. But I worked pretty hard on it, so I thought I’d at least share it here and see what you guys think.

First and foremost, I agree with the principles of women’s rights, that women should be treated fairly, equal to men both socially and politically. I really thought I made that clear. It’s my opinion that we’ve achieved this (and more) within most parts of the western world. Women can vote, access higher education, work within most fields, and hold positions of political influence. Open expressions of sexism, discrimination, sexual harassment and violence against women are no longer accepted by this society, and there are laws to punish offenders. Anti-feminist =/= anti-woman.

Feminism promotes the rights of women over those of men. It endorses misandry, blames men for the failings of individual women, and thrives through instilling a victim complex within women to further its agenda. I see feminism as damaging to both women and men, their relationships, social cohesion, and the very structure our civilisation was founded upon.

People often confuse the concept of women’s rights with feminism. The feminist ideology is nonsense, and operates on the premise that the sexes are identical, thus interchangeable and in perpetual competition. I am merely pointing out that men and women are different, designed to compliment one another through our differing roles, responsibilities and strengths.

Feminists believe that western patriarchal structure is inherently abusive, implemented for the purpose of ‘keeping women down’, when in reality, it is the natural societal outcome of a species with a high level of sexual dimorphism.

Modern western women are some of the most pampered and privileged humans on the planet, and have no idea what real oppression feels like. Western men want to defend us so much that the idea of 600 words of hard truth hurting the feelings of the female population of New Zealand was enough to make some feel “physically ill”.

I am not downplaying the female contribution to society. Women are invaluable to many industries. Teaching and nursing are two examples of traditionally female vocations. Guess what, these fields are still statistically dominated by women! So much for cultural conditioning! There is simply no need to impose what comes naturally and effortlessly.

Feminists will tell you that you must lead a highly successful career, defined by ‘making it’ to the top of the corporate chain in order to be ‘empowered’ and ‘liberated’. A traditional family set up with a sex-based division of labour and responsibility is what comes naturally and more easily to most people. Obviously a small number of women are more suited to traditionally male occupations, and they should be free to follow this path if that’s where their talents lie. This shouldn’t have to be mandated by government policy.

Feminists love to brandish false statistics. The ‘wage gap’ is largely a myth, and some simple research would enlighten you if you bothered to fact check your arguments (which feminists never do). I never said that employment discrimination against women should be encouraged, or that it’s ethical. I am simply pointing out that it exists. Take a management paper and you will know this, it’s nothing new. Inequality is a part of life. Employers are averse to paying an employee for not being present at work. Maternity leave, from a financial point of view, is a cause of distress to most employers, especially in today’s economy. Feminists’ inability to face reality is offensive to me.

None of us are identical in ability or potential. Feminists like to passively whine about the injustices of life, and wait for others to intervene on their behalf. Overcoming and bettering oneself is the path to true empowerment. Demanding that the field be levelled for your own benefit is completely unfair to everyone involved.

Feminists take the problems and complaints of individual women and turn them into ‘women’s issues’. They want to ‘teach men not to rape’, and are ignorant of the fact that rape is caused not by cultural factors, but by the conscious decisions of a small percentage of the community to commit a violent crime. I don’t want to ‘teach men not to rape’, I shouldn’t have to. My rapist didn’t do it because society told him it was right. I want rapists to be punished and held accountable for their crimes. Feminists blame society for the minority of men who commit acts of violence against women, when it is society that makes men civil in the first place.

My article was never derogatory towards females, and was intended for the eyes of an audience with an open mind to the plight, the experiences and observations of others. Those whom were well-read with a good level of reading comprehension were able to understand. I did not expect unanimous agreement with the article, and in fact enjoy the thought-provoking nature of a well-informed debate. I only request that if you wish to refute my arguments, please form the basis of your rebuttal around what I have actually said, rather than the words you put in my mouth because your level of education hindered your ability to understand the heart of the argument. My article made it very clear that I do not think that women should be treated as second-rate citizens, only that if a woman is not able to be highly successful in the workplace and fulfil all the family duties then she shouldn’t be judged or faulted by society.

51.343% of the population of New Zealand, and I, do not need people like Craig to defend us against imagined slights and first world problems.

If you really care about the welfare of women who really have been victimised, then donate or volunteer for women’s refuges or domestic violence charities. Work with Amnesty International, be kinder to the women in your life, and read Half The Sky.


Sincerely yours,

A 22 year old Asian female, for those who were asking on Facebook whether I was a woman so you could decide how offended you should be.

P.S. “I have a law degree” is not an argument. Craig is the poster child of why people shouldn’t stay in school for too long. I don’t think he is a bad person, but the pathway to hell is paved with good intentions.

Why feminism is hurting women

Gender equality is just a slogan that politicians like to wave around. Whether in the West or the East, society is still dominated by men. Feminism hasn’t brought happiness to women obsessed with overachieving or comparing themselves to men, only misery from the inevitable disappointment from unrealistic expectations.

The false confidence of believing men and women are equal has created an abundance of overqualified single women struggling against their ticking biological clock because feminists convinced them that their priority is to spend their most crucial years ‘proving themselves’. We’re pushed to achieve excellence in education and fight the uphill battle for workplace equality when it’s simply not realistic for companies to hire women who are at child bearing age for fear of paying maternity leave. Alternatively, biologically driven desires like having a family are put on hold for our careers until it’s too late.

One need only examine the sorry state of the modern western family to see how unsustainable and unhealthy feminism is. Women already had an important and valued role in society, feminism simply made the role twice as difficult. This isn’t a simplistic men vs women issue. It is merely common sense and survival. Feminism and egalitarianism are thus socially suicidal.

Feel free to disagree, I’d love someone to prove this wrong.


It took time to learn that acceptance is not the same as accepting defeat, that losing you is the first step towards gaining everything. I had allowed myself to become addicted to the shallow satisfaction of turning heads when we walked into a room together, and for all our smugness I suppose we both deserved a rude awakening. But there was kindness and understanding caught between the madness and disappointments. I haven’t been able to forget how perfectly we fit into each others arms during those nights when we spent more time kissing than breathing. There are moments between falling in love and being in love when two people become more than just the sum of their parts, and when we were good to each other, you looked like the solution to every riddle that had plagued me in the last decade. 

I cannot bring myself to blame you for leaving, for craving distance and solitude. You were always too intelligent to be anything other than selfish, and if I had been more vigilant I might have seen the warning signs. If I had understood your nature sooner,  I would have forgiven you for wanting a peace that did not include the chatter of femininity. If I had not been blinded by the familiar portrait of who we pretended to be, I would have recognised the quiet anger that had been burning in your eyes, slowly engulfing what fed our co-dependency. The masochist in every woman does not crave pain, we crave for violence, for rebirth. The strength, the dominant, the masculine, all that we can never be, we look for in the arms of a dangerous man. We see red and we fan the flames, we love the way it burns. So I could not blame you because I was the key. I fell in love with a monster and helped bring out the worst you could be.


How can I feel so alone even as you’re holding me?

I wish I could explain to you why I’m so afraid. I wish I could tell you that love will never be enough.

I don’t have as much time as you. Women never do.

We spend the best of our years caring for lost boys and guiding them through the struggles of youth, only to be replaced by younger imitations of who we used to be. They still love the naive innocent girl, but that’s no longer you.

Your love is unbearably light, but mine is heavy and I don’t wish to burden you.

How long before I give in and run?