Serendipity

Was I born a masochist or did society make me this way?

Tag: diary

99

When I was deep in my depression, I thought about suicide constantly. 

Wake up; should I kill myself today?

Eat breakfast; why am I still alive?

Go to class; why am I here?

Cross the road; hope the bus hits me.

Go home; grab a knife.

Sleep; hope it lasts forever. 

It was a battle every day, reminding myself what I had left to live for. When I looked around, there wasn’t very much. So I asked her, almost selfishly, to give me some hope. “What do you live for?”

She replied in her stunning accent, something I could never forget: 

As individuals we each have our own unique aura, and if you are close enough, compatible enough, and care enough to allow yourself to open up, you can feel the energy that flows around you, fusing together as our thoughts intertwine. Right now, being connected to you, is why I’m here. I’m here for you. I live for you. 

I didn’t understand her at the time, so I cried more and pretended I knew. But I finally understand now. It doesn’t matter how much people hurt you, how much pain they inflict, how many scars they leave, how many hearts they break. You could hate almost everyone, you could despise a few, they could deserve it, they probably do. But beyond all that, a simple gesture can remind us that human connection remains the most important thing to our existence. No matter how comfortable we are with ourselves, how happy we may be alone, we all crave someone to share that connection with. We all live for each other whether we like it or not. We are only human.

So if you’re reading this, I live for you. 

77

For the past few years, I’ve been a sponge.

I haven’t soaked up any wisdom, I haven’t discovered the meaning of my existence, but I have managed to absorb the deepest sorrows and heartbreak of people who shouldn’t matter to me. 

Empathy invites ink. I could read, become, and write Blanche DuBois as if I’d lived through her pain. But now I feel blank. Life dwindles along and I don’t feel it. A shade is shielding the colours from me and I can’t out run it. The darkness will consume me until one day, I won’t be able to fake a smile for you.