Serendipity

Was I born a masochist or did society make me this way?

Tag: death

89

Laugh at her. Isn’t she funny?

Doesn’t it feel good to kick her when she’s down? Pure sadistic pleasure, don’t worry, it’s human nature.

Oh look, a butterfly tattoo, must be daddy issues!
Oh hey, is that a scar I see? Well that’s just not good enough for me.

She’s cold to the others. She’s numb to the world. She picked you, lit a fire to warm your heart, and you watched it burn her dreams into dust. She’ll learn to carry the weight of your curse. The pain is no longer a burden; it sets her free.

Don’t look into her eyes. Don’t bother. She’s hidden it so well, you won’t see it. You battered a battered woman but behind the veiled vacancy there’s still a star that shines, a light that refuses to go out. But you won’t see it again.

She won’t accept your pity. She doesn’t want to be saved. You begin to shift the blame – it’s her fault, for not grasping the hands that reached out. You’re just like the others now, so blinded by your own arrogance that you can’t see the truth. You don’t understand how many times she fell. How many have promised to catch her. How their lies have filled her life. How they disappeared so conveniently when she hit the ground and broke for the last time. Does this make you feel better? Do you feel less guilty now? Because you didn’t break her. Because you can’t break a broken heart.

You saw the scars, witnessed the tears. You tried to look away; it wasn’t a pretty sight. You heard the whispers, suffered the screams; so now you think you know her. But can you feel her despair, can you predict her verdict? Can you change her fate, or will you watch her drown? Will you hold her head down, so it won’t take long?

Her breathing turns shallow, time slows down. You’ll only love her when she’s gone.

 

75

It’s the worst feeling
knowing
You would die without them
realising
They could live without you

74

Time makes fools of us all.
Time and time again, she waits, patiently, for you.
For her prey.

Then the attack, so subtle, such grace.
She sweeps you off your feet and leaves you gasping for one last breath, begging for more because you’re not ready to say goodbye. You’ll never be ready. 

You’ve been fooling yourself, convinced that you have time to spare. We all make the same mistake, wasting our time with more mistakes. 

It’s a cruel, thoughtless lie, and the repercussions are deadly.

 

But fighting till the end is how we’d like to go.

Leave this damn world with a punch, a bang!
Maybe someone will remember us then. 

54

You’re moving but going nowhere. The last breath of oxygen escapes from your lungs and a wave of desperation hits. You’re helpless.
Your brain commands you to breathe but you open your airway only to choke on tepid water. You’re screaming now but no one can hear you.
You wave but no one’s there.
Try harder. You’re clearly not trying hard enough.
You’re sinking now. You’re going to drown. Why did you try to swim? Now you’re drowning.

NO!

You try to scream again. They pushed me! You point to the culprit but they left while you were struggling. They watched you sink and now the fun is over. They were there. I swear they were there.

I believe you, he whispers with a crooked smile. You hate that smile. You hate his trust. You don’t believe anyone should trust so easily. Where is the struggle? Where is the truth?

Did you really drown or were you only dreaming?

52

The world is a crazy circus and we choose whether we hold the whip or hide in the cages. We can decide whether we want to entertain or be entertained. 

I’ve always wanted the best of both worlds. 

I want the hugs, the kisses, the warm whispers in the night.
I want the fresh air, the freedom, enough space to feel just right. 

I chase after mistakes as if they’re the only substance able to sustain me. I let myself fall deeper and deeper till I can’t find my way back, knowing full well there’s no one on the other side to catch me. 

There’s no happy ending. There are no happy endings in life. There’s only death, and what comes after.

41

For as long as I’ve known, my internal screams could only be appeased by setting pen to paper. Most of those thoughts were too awful to utter out loud. There was no one living my life. Hence, there was no one that could understand. 

My grandfather was a wise man. He knew better than anyone the hardships that life would bring, and did his best to protect me from his loved ones. I only wish he had lived long enough to see the ruins his darling daughter created. Constant criticism and a lack of affection, the sort of maternal glory you’d expect from a steak knife. Disappointments are not permitted, and achievements are not to be celebrated. Every day is just another reminder that tomorrow there will be more, and the worst is yet to come. 

I am alone in this world and sometimes I like it that way. No man to love, no friends to trust, no secrets to spill, no bodies to lust. I am alone in this world and sometimes it’s not very hard. No tears to shed, no partner to hug, no children to bear, no family to start. I am alone in this world and that is the sad truth for all of us. Every life is a tragedy waiting for funeral bells to ring stark, every soul is tainted until death purges you clean in the dark.