205

by Violet

That morning I almost blurted out the words “I love you“. I whispered it in my head and watched it drift through my mind like Autumn leaves and it filled me with dread. I don’t think you understand what this means for me. Knowing for certain that in three months or years or decades, this feeling will be replaced by something hideous and I am inviting unbearable pain into my life again.

I grabbed a cigarette from your table and opened the curtains just enough for daylight to creep through and smoke to breathe out. When you put your arm around me to light it, your presence silenced something inside me, I felt my walls shatter. I let my guard down and we shared a moment of peace that I think I’ll hold with me forever.

Baby I wish I knew how to love in a way that isn’t toxic, but when I was young and my heart was still wide open, a beautiful boy told me he adored my poison. I dug my nails deep into his skin and left marks on his shoulders to remind him that he was taken. We laughed and we loved and we filled the summer with passion but when summer was over he realised it was only infatuation, he never loved more than my skin. I made it so easy for him to walk in and out of my life, like I was always meant to be forgotten.

Then you turned and looked at me in the way every girl dreams of being looked at. Like I was the only person in this world and nobody else could compare. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t true, or that I would only ever be a secret. You made me feel like I mattered, and that was enough. That was always enough for me. But I was never enough for him, and I will never be enough for you either, not really.

Please don’t let me fall again, if you’re not ready to catch me.