We are not friends. Not because we are incompatible, but because we are perhaps too compatible. I looked into your eyes and saw a replica of my recklessness, my inability to reconcile what my heart wants and what is right. I saw a flicker of who I used to be and I suddenly understood why they were afraid of me. You have a devilish smile, and I can’t look away. But you and I, we hold our friends in higher esteem than pleasant first impressions and a quick wit. I don’t know how to impress you, because no one impresses me anymore. It takes too many years for us to trust someone, and who has that kind of time? But it is loneliness that pushes us to share secrets and exchange stories without fear of judgment. I can read you like an open book, and I know the ending to this story all too well.
We are not lovers. Lovers are gentle and kind, lovers have more than mere infatuation, and they blurt out promises they don’t intend to keep. I will be the first to admit that this will never amount to anything more than faithless lust, and your charm won’t do more than enchant me for one night; let me have my moment of weakness. But you and I, we are too jaded to say things we don’t mean. We are too clever to believe in shallow lies, and we both know the truth is too dangerous for injured spirits. I saw a darkness in your eyes, I caught a glint of evil, a glimpse of what will come, and I let the night wash over me; let me be your sweetest mistake. Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, but is this human nature or my nature? You are not the first to want your wicked way with me. You will not be the last.
So let’s pretend we are equals for now, let’s pretend I’m not broken. Let’s pretend this game is fair, let’s pretend you want damaged goods. Put on your armour, pick up your weapon, we won’t stop till one of us is begging for mercy, we won’t stop even when that happens. I want to see if you can hurt me. I want to know if I still feel pain. I will give anything to feel my heart beating again.
I finally understand the fear. It is not fear of the unknown that sends them running, but the gun to their head that screams – “I will make you suffer with me“. So when you wrap your arms around me tight, be sure to remember I am barbed wire and I cut deep. When you kiss me on the cheek, be sure to remember I bite and I leave bruises. When you think you might love me, be sure to remember hearts can break and never heal completely.
So let me be your nothing, let me walk away now. Because if you’re anything like me, you don’t know how to.