It is summer and the air feels thin around us. You open all the windows in our apartment to tempt a non existent breeze while I pout at the weak air conditioning as if I could guilt it into functioning. We spend our mornings cramped in the bathroom, taking cold showers together and spending too much time with our hands on each other. I grew accustomed to the calluses on your fingers and you learn to avoid my scars. We barely knew each other but we didn’t need to know better. You dragged me to the beach for an excuse to hold my hand, and to this day I cannot visit the ocean without thinking of your arms around me under the waves, keeping me close. Every mistake we made that day was worth it. I looked into your eyes and saw passion.
It is Autumn and the air is gentle. It is the season of death and redemption, and we are no longer infatuated with each other’s quirks and sins, we have fallen into a deeper mystery. You read me poems by Frost and I try to memorise your favourite. I have not been able to tempt a poem from my mind since; all my words have twisted into bitter songs. Every remarkable day we spent under the sun has been stored away, you turned my mind into a maze and I have given up my search for peace. I looked into your eyes and refused to read the signs.
It is Winter and your heart is frozen. I caught the way you looked at her and gave you more credit than you ever bargained for. I begged you to be a better liar and swallowed your guilt, I downed your lies faster than tequila, boy you served it smooth. I looked into our mirror and the wild child had disappeared, I was a fool who thought you could love me tamed. I grew comfortable and complacent, not noticing the more I tried to love you the more you despised me for it. You took both hands and wrapped them around the life I’d planned and squeezed the last breath out of it. You silenced my screams with a kiss. I looked into your eyes and saw my own darkness.
It is Spring and I am learning how to let go. I know the reasons you won’t be coming, I understand why you couldn’t stay. I am recollecting traces of myself and spending hours chasing memories while you wait patiently for them to expire. But I’m the ghost in your corridor at 2 in the morning when you have company yet still feel lonely. I’m the coffee you drink every morning and I’m the song played by every radio station on repeat. I’m the taste of regret that lingers on the bottom of every glass of whiskey and there will never be enough alcohol to drown out the voice in your head whispering my name. I’m the colour of Autumn and I don’t fade easily. I will never look into your eyes again.