176

by Violet

Love is just pain, darling, that’s why all my lovers hurt me.

Once your happiness becomes dependent on another soul, you’re done, do you understand that? We all fall into the trap of believing that a love like ours ought to last forever, something that feels so good should never end. But we’re not in control, not really. It’s never up to us. We like to think we’re in charge, but feelings come and go and logic has no say in the matter. You tried to convince me once that love was a choice, but baby, I’ve never been a fan of pretending.

Four years ago I asked him to come home and he told me I am incapable of love, and I believe him now. I think I may have a crooked heart. Five years ago he met a girl with a carefree smile and no scars on her body, but she lost her way and I don’t think she’s ever coming back, my darkness would swallow her whole. One minute I was his everything and the next minute, there was nothing I could do or say to fix his mistakes. He called me a mistake, so I continued his legacy.

I watch the same love stories play in repeat, and no one ever has the courage to let go till it’s too late. We all got so damn good at finding disguises and excuses. Marriage, houses, children; reasons to stay. Then sometimes a terrible thing can happen, and you find those old feelings again but they’re for someone new. Or you miss that feeling so much you try to mimic it in the shadows of others who are just as lonely. We are so desperate for love we lose ourselves in the chase. I’ve lost too much. Don’t come looking for me.