158

by Violet

You never leave a note. You don’t dial his number and leave one last missed call. You don’t administer that sort of guilt, because you know it would eat him alive.

You don’t say goodbyes, you don’t cry silently in public, you don’t show any signs of weakness that will allow your loved ones to blame themselves.

You don’t smell the roses, you don’t watch the sunrise, you don’t search for the silver lining that was never there in the first place.

You don’t apologise for the past, you don’t fear for the future, and you no longer trace your mistakes until hell is the darkness inside your own mind.

You will always be afraid, but there’s no denying the fundamental differences between a coward and a coward who pulls the trigger. The latter can be admired for taking control, however twisted that may be, but at least they were brave enough to conclude their own fate. 

This is about control, precision, and patience.

This is not about the pain, this is not to end the suffering; all of that can be endured, and they have been.

It’s the emptiness, the hollowness in my chest that’s taking over, this incurable disease called loneliness, it makes me want to die.

Everyone gives me advice about how to live my life but no one notices I’m not really alive.

It will always be easier to break things than to mend them. It will always be easier to lie than to face the truth. It will always be easier to hurt someone than to love them. I have always understood this, but somewhere in between forgiving the unforgivable, I found myself an outsider again. It is exhausting to be kind.

It’s the smiling, the constant smiling that makes my face ache. A pathetic defence mechanism that is weak at best, and masochistic in reality.

I have been torn into pieces and my blood is on the hands of a hero. Even when I’m gone, he will try to deny it. He will say it was not his fault. He never meant to hurt me.

I have been torn into pieces by lovers and friends. I feel so tired, I could sleep for an eternity.

I am waiting to return to the nothingness I was before consciousness took away the bliss of ignorance. Maybe my leaving will mean something, to some people, for some time. But they will follow me one by one and we will all return to stardust and rust. We will be forever apart, but together always.

I have faced my demons and I have lost. But this does not mean I am weak, only that my demons are stronger than yours.