145

by Violet

I find love everywhere, I see it in every corner, I seize it at every chance. I find it in your eyes, when you stare at me with such stunning intensity that I almost believed it meant something. There was hardly enough time for us to get to know one another, but when I woke up next to you that morning and didn’t miss him anymore, I knew you were my bliss.

I find it in your lips, when you kissed me so sweetly I had to remind myself the softer it was, the stronger the poison. I never intended for you to be different but somehow I felt protected for those precious moments when you weren’t afraid to touch me. I let myself drift to sleep with a smile on my face, dreaming about happier times.

I find it in your arms, when you held me so lightly I wanted you to grab my throat so I could feel my survival instincts kick in. I wanted you to leave bruises so I could remember each time you pretended I mattered. I wanted it to hurt and I needed the pain to have substance. I wanted you to erase my past and teach me how to start over again. 

I find it in your words, even though you treasure them and utter so few, I try so hard to listen, terrified I’ll miss something important. I look for hints and chances that maybe this could lead to more faith in some twisted way because that’s how I live; I rely on wishful thinking.

I find it in the air, when everything else feels unimportant, when the bare essentials that allow us to trudge through the drudgery flow with sincerity and your smile reminds me to keep breathing. I don’t know how to live with being lonely, but lying in the wrong arms feels worse than being alone.

I find it in your presence, the calm, the serenity, everything you bring me so effortlessly, everything that makes you one of a kind. I want to learn how to be that peaceful, how to be less hateful, how to return to the basics and empathise with the pointlessness of it all, how we’re all suffering equally in a way because it all ends the same. We try, we fail, we die, we rot. All is not fair in love and war, but all is fair in life and death.

I find it in this empty bed, as I wonder how good it would feel to be lying next to you again. I rested my head on your chest and my mind escaped. I wrapped my legs around yours, indulging myself in all the small ways I still have left.

I find it in every lit cigarette, in every tar filled breath, because deep down I’ve always been a little dirty. Sometimes the things that destroy us attract us the most, sometimes we aren’t very smart about who or what we love, but sometimes that’s okay.

I find it in the way you played with my hair, when you considered pulling it but decided not to, because we didn’t know each other that well yet.  I find it in the goosebumps that rise when I feel your hot breath against my neck and I pretend my breathing is even so you’ll think I’m sleeping. I found it in our last kiss, maybe our last kiss ever, and I just wanted to thank you for taking a chance on me.

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