If it had only been a shallow crush, perhaps she would have an easier time forgetting. But it wasn’t just his classic Nordic good looks that attracted obvious stares, nor his soft blonde hair that could feature in a shampoo commercial, or even the smile she couldn’t explain but always brightened her day.
He had a lightness about him, and when she pictured him standing tall, running his fingers through his hair, a melody would come to her, composed of kindness. It was the rarest quality and often dismissed as weakness, but he was a walking paradox, and she knew from the first time he held her that he had a gentleness that could calm the sea.
There was a grace to the way he walked, and even on the rare occasions when she heard him coming, she always marvelled at the silence that would casually follow. It was never the uncomfortable sort that forced you to wrack your brains for anecdotes or resort to discussions of the weather in order to fill the gaps of broken conversation, but the kind that made you wish you could sit there forever, embraced by the peace and quiet.
Sometimes she still dreams of those silent nights when they lay together, barely touching but more connected than the bodies next door that were hopelessly tangled together in sweat and false passion. She could hear his ragged breathing and her screams, but she knew in the morning they’d mean something different.
He was a clever one, he knew how much she wanted to fall, and how hard she was fighting not to. I think her sincerity terrified him because he’d seen it before, and witnessed the destruction that follows such obsession. The first time he realised he missed her it shocked him a little, but it only took a few weeks for that to fade away, and he hasn’t made that mistake since.
Trapped in a prison of her own creation, surrounded by clowns and liars, drowning in vodka and suffocating in toxic fumes, she thought of his smile and it all became bearable. He had such a beautiful soul, she’d hate for it to go to waste. He reminded her of the sun, and she couldn’t wait to taste the flames.