We come from different worlds. His world is black and white, he seeks the answers to figures and facts that have never made sense to me. He manipulates the puzzle pieces like a magician dazzling the crowd with his tricks, and the results prove he is always right. My world is full of shades of grey, the battered remains of a childhood gone astray, and the bitter taste of allocated blame.
His is the world of the scientist, full of numbers and equations, clear and concise, with no room for mistakes. Mine is of letters and words, terrible poetry, strung together by hope and loosely attached to the hands of fate.
His is a world I cannot comprehend. Mine is a place he’ll never try to understand. It was a cruel twist of fate for us to meet, but we found each other in between. A curious mixture of sweet sadness filled my dreams on the first night he kissed me. Our love was brief, our time cut short by fundamental differences; no amount of stubbornness could compete.
I wanted a love he could not give. He wanted a soul that does not exist. I shout his name in the wind and write him sad songs though he’ll never listen. I hear his voice in the dark and sometimes he visits when sleep ignores me. I tell him I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough, and he laughs at my lack of ambition. I fought tooth and nail till the last second only to be told it wasn’t enough, I was not enough for him.
What kind of a world do we live in when love is mocked because it is without reason? He wrote out his pros and cons list and told me he made the right decision. His friends told him my tears were worthless and crimes of the heart do not require repentance. I urged him to search deeper in his conscience before he held me accountable for his guilty actions.
He will never experience the dreadful moment of true loneliness I felt in the clinic. He will not be given a chance to name our unborn child that he wilfully abandoned. He will not be forgiven for the lasting hurt he delivered, and time will not do his dirty work. When I looked closely for the first time with clear eyes, I saw a monster unfit for my world. He brought destruction to all that I held dear, all that I cherished. He stole the last part of me that still believed life was good, and worth living.